"One Day..."

A few weeks ago, I had a revelation per a fabulous experience ... Somebody, A.K.A quite a great pal, had confronted and informed myself he's gay. He appeared incredibly relieved about how I acknowledged the information, being completely compassionate, supportive and understanding. The sex somebodies attracted to shouldn't compromise and jeopardize their reputation, nor taint their reflection. He's definitely not ashamed which I'm happy about, 'cause there's not one rationalization for him and any other being humiliated. That's terrible, and completely unacceptable...
...I'm quite complimented, seein' how I'm one of the first who's officially informed (His homosexuality isn't closeted, but he's not flamboyant).

He's assembling a L.G.B.T.Q.I.A (Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Transexual, Questioning, Intersex and Asexual) group, which I too was informed about, and I promised I'd enter ... Here's where the revelation begun: I said, "It's fabulous our school's allowing the Equality Group!" His reply: "Yeah. However, the Group honestly shouldn't be the priority that it's become." Goodness gracious...

He's absolutely right! Our world would definitely be a worthier place, provided clubs preserving and safeguarding our freedoms weren't vital. Not 'cause non-heterosexuality didn't exist, but 'cause non-heterosexuality was universally accepted.

Suburbians, I'm Bi-Sexual ... Although I'm drawn towards dudes, I don't doubt the possibility I could marry a woman. Who, not what, you are is what's meaningful!

I'm Bi-Sexual. Who cares? He's gay. Who cares? Those characteristics shouldn't cause any difference in perspective. One day...

"Gone With The Wind"

The world's constantly changing ... Men are changing, women are changing. Their personalities and their views shift all the while the world spins. Anything can spark personal change. A fresh job, a new relationship, even traveling *Wink Wink*.

I'm changing ... Recently, I traveled Europe, which was a fascinating and wondrous experience as you are all aware. Visiting overseas, witnessing a completely different world, inspired the changing. I found confidence, I developed a great relationship with the fiery bitch I've closeted inside all these years, and I absolutely love it.

I've definitively been evolving for about two years ... When I met Halsey (Sex And The Small Town), whose now a lovely confidant, and I had begun blogging (I expected nothing BTW, Thank you all, I love you) which I've invested a whole 'lotta heart and pride into, I realized I was starting to open up.

I've began a fresh Semester ... And I'm now seein' everyone in the light of a new and improved Dolly. Now, I'm positive there are those who won't see the changing, but I will. I'll see how I'm handling everything, while I see and understand the new Spirit I've possessed. I'm fabulous and I'm happy. I'm brand-spanking new, I'm hopeful, and I'm fully prepared for the seasons of my life.

There are those out there who fear the inevitability of changing ... If that's you, I'd appreciate you rethinking those fears out ladies. You too, gents (I haven't forgotten about you). Sometimes changing's delayable but it'll never be preventable altogether. It's like the lil' birdy leaving the nest. It's nature ... Go with nature! 

"Deja Vu"

Recently, I've realized something ... My past has finagled itself into my present.
In the past, I had liked a man where the feelings weren't mutual. Thus, I got involved in the first relationship I could. Everything moved too quick there, and I've got scars I still carry today. With that, I had missed out on a possible relationship with a man I actually could've saw myself being with. Time had cast a spell, so I think that we weren't meant for the other.

I debated seein' a guy who had feelings for me, but I didn't for him.
After debating for a bit, I had refused. I wasn't going there again. Also, I've caught feelings for a different guy who has a girlfriend right now, but I'm hopin' for a shot with him sometime in the future. Given I'm reliving the past, it's not a bad thing! Eventually, I'm going to get an opportunity to be with an incredible man. Maybe, it'll be somebody new, maybe the guy I dig. Nevertheless, I'll be happy. He'll be worth everything I've faced and everything I've fought.

When Histories repeating itself, don't make those mistakes again ... You're given a shot to make a difference, do the thing you wish you could've done the first time around. When your past is present, don't freak out. Presents become pasts, bringing about futures with fresh and new opportunities.

"The Foreigner"

Hiya Suburbians, Let's delve!

I remember being a lil' girl who dreamt of exploring the world ... The lil' girl still lives on within the woman I am today. Recently, I traveled Europe. I saw England, Northern Ireland, Republic of Ireland, Scotland and Wales. Thank you to a friendly Student Travel Program in July I learned and witnessed History and Politics which was fabulous. But above all, I discovered something I had not expected to. I learned about myself.

The whole experience was indescribable ... An eye-opener definitely. I observed the people I was around, I observed their cultures and way about themselves. Enchanting, somewhat strange.

Now girls, I'm displeased to report I did not have a fling with a hot foreign guy ... Honestly, a 'lotta folks had struck me as a bit odd, but that's expected I guess. Given how I acted, the way I spoke, I was obviously an American. I felt I was being judged for that, but I'm aware quite a few of them aren't our biggest fans. Once suspected judgements settled in, I realized something I feel foolish for not realizing sooner, I was a foreigner. I was a foreigner there.

See, I was on their turf, visiting their homeland. I was something a 'lotta people had only seen on their TV's. A few actually had requested takin' pictures with me, a reallife American. I was exotic, new and unfamiliar to them...
...Some were nice, and some weren't. Thankfully, I was surrounded by friends, and we helped each other avoid any possible trouble.

I'm incredibly thankful I was apart of this Travel Program ... I discovered, I learned, and I witnessed a lot. I had a blast, I was safe, I was a gal with the prerogative to have a lil' fun. When you're given an opportunity, I definitely recommend you travel. It's enlightening, it's fun and it's mysterious. Definite horizon expander.

Lovelies! I'm back, and I'm better than ever. It's a big big world, stay fabulous for it!

"The Foreigner : Prelude"

Hey, Suburbians! I'm sorry I haven't wrote. I should've mentioned this a whole lot earlier ... I'm on a Worldly Adventure. Truly opens the eyes for a gal who, The Suburbs, is all that she knows. I'll share all the details, once I'm situated back home. There's a whole lot, learning the lives of other sides is incredibly enriching in all new walks and ways. It's practically magic, and I'm blessed given the opportunity to explore in a magnificent fashion. There lies only the Prelude of what is to come.

Not soon enough, Suburbians!

"The Freak Shows"

New York, for our forefathers, the gateway to all hope ... Happiness, opportunities and possibilities, beyond all their wildest dreams. Today, that particular hope still has a heartbeat. It's called "The First Date".

On Saturday night(s), every restaurant in Lower Manhattan, resembles its own Ellis Island ... Herds of single girls everywhere, crowded into a very hot, and cramped space. All carrying the hope of arriving at their Final Destinations : The State of Matrimony. Or, at least to get a warm meal on the transit. A 'lotta dudes don't believe in "First Dates" ... However, millions believe in the sex right after it. Like all we're worth is a meal and a nut.

"First Dates" are complete freakshows ... Maybe, freakshows should never have been outlawed. At least there, all these freaks are shackled together by their own freakiness. Now they're free, roaming among us. Is it true? Are all men freaks?

"Friends Without Benefits"

This's definitely a (in)famous question, where the response stays indicative of experience and one's opinions ... Could a guy and a gal be friends, without any feelings or desire for gear shifting? I think yes. I'm not over-thinking the conundrum nor allowing contrary-based tales to sway my thoughts. 

There are a lot of guy/gal friendships, which are not affiliated with lust or sex. There's not a "Homosexuality-Barrier" requirement either for this relationship to function, and turnout great, fulfilling and trusting. However, these barriers aren't rare cases and they are completely normal; It's not this packaged deal you cosign at Casa De Lesbo though, it's simply random.

You don't need to experiment with the other white meat, Suburbians ... If you're a straight gal, you are a straight gal; If you're a straight guy, you are a straight guy. And the Friendzone explains why a guy/gal friendship doesn't have to necessarily end up in the bedroom. If a guy and a gal are strictly friends, they have Friendzoned one another, out of a mutual respect and other factors. I've Friendzoned a man who, in return, has Friendzoned me. That's a nonverbal agreement incorporated, and I can't imagine experiencing any non-platonic feelings for him ever.

And yes, I've got other guy friends who per choice, I'll never date.

It's impossible for an individual to believe and to think every inter-gender friendship climaxes with a climax ... It's simpler than most think, because they are influenced by contrary-based evidence. If you catch a wave of feelings for a friend, there's probably an underlying cause. But, yet again, Friends Without Benefits is real.

"Critical Conditions"

Usually, I'm the gal who considers all destructive and negative judgment ... I'm known for being weird. I speak of my cats a bit often. I act sloppy yet I'm not fond of drinking, and have never and will never touch a drug. I wear glasses and my complexion isn't the clearest one that's out there. I'm known for the strange brother (Meanwhile, the guy's autistic), and attaining a shitty track-record with men.

I chase assholes, and I'm known for that; I get unnecessary 'mercy-sympathy' from my girls when a love interest, is up on his woman clear as day. But, I'm never bitter or petty. I hope that he's happy, and her too.

However, I'm known for great stuff, too. I'm known for being caring ... I've been informed I'll make a fabulous mother, and a loving gal for the right guy. I'm known for using various forms of creative writing, as I question the Suburbs and write lyric per the right occasion. I've got desirable theater talent, a knack for interpreting roles. Although the negatives are seemingly perpetually center stage, I'm proud of everything that I've accomplished positively.

Why are we continuously believing the negative stuff that's said about us? Regardless the evidence which plays for the contrary, a ex-boyfriend, a face or a neighbor can cancel out everything we once believed to be true. In the matters of life and too love, why are our worst reviews the ones we listen to?

No one's "perfect". Don't strive for perfection either; It's a truly dangerous sport of self-obsession. Don't lose sight of yourself to please those who aren't worth pleasing, who perpetuate negative stereotypes and ridicule everyone's imperfections and shortcomings ... Brand yourself, perfection and sameness are dull, and you're unique being you.

"33, 35, 25 ... Open My Heart"

Nowadays, I steer clear of a balanced love-life ... Maybe it's disinterest, or the lack of time. Maybe I avoid feelings 'cause of the 'dysutopia' I figure of love in lieu of less-than-stellar past experiences with men. Probably a combination involving all three where I'm stranded at a crossroads attempting to unlock.

Once I began inheriting familiar, yet alien emotions for somebody, I was spooked ... I somehow believed I could control these feelings, until I fully evolved being prepared and ready for love and relationships. Which I consider quite acceptable and understandable considering everything I've been through. I'm still acclimating to the idea and possible presence of real love, but I'm making definite progress on my quest; It's been quite a while since I opened this lock, the deadbolt to my heart.

New guy, new guy ... "Leo". Leo's not perfect, but I'm not perfect either; Perfectly imperfect. He's intelligent, sexy, and doesn't underestimate my anything regardless that I'm a ditz. He understands me, embraces the me I am. When I style "innocence", he looks beyond the label and openly admires what I'm capable of.

We're quite fond of hugging, holding hands and hanging out ... The three "H's" that're whipped up per a decent relationship. The fourth "H", "however", joins the party while I guarantee you we are not there yet. I've got all these qualities substantiating the hope I could turn this into a relationship, but his girlfriend has the relationship and's hoping to inherit the qualities; Which draws a great conundrum for modern relationships ... Which comes first; The steak or the sex?

Whoops ... Didn't I mention that Leo has a girlfriend? The cat's out the bag! Are you stunned that I tossed "girlfriend" out there and so abruptly? Now you're understanding the dilemma I'm contending with. Leo's got a gal who I think he cares about a lot, who's a sweetheart, despite what I predominately hear about the chick and I couldn't bare to act on all these feelings right now. I'm in a total rut. I'm battling what I truly wish to do, all with what's considered "appropriate" and I should be doing. Which explains the complete spook...
...Confused? Take a number, Suburbians! Here's the thing; He's not a dickhead nor a player. He's subtle and so sweet. This's the absolute worst timing. I guess timing is everything as Miranda Hobbes would nod in total agreement. But, I'm not condemned from wondering. Could it happen ... Will it happen?

"A Dream Maker, Love Taker..."

Having your heart broken blows ... Especially under the circumstance where you had cared so tremendously about somebody, and where in most cases, you still do post-relationship. I'm fully aware; Every gal who has had to walk solo against her own wishes knows the feeling. But, breaking a heart yourself can actually hurt just as much, if not more. When somebody says, "It's as painful for me as it is for you.", they might be doing more than trying to lessen the blow ladies ... There's a great possibility they're telling the truth. Regardless and whatever the reason, if they're initiating a split up between yous, they're too losing the benefits of the relationship; The consoling hugs that show in your arms and your warmth that you're always there. The friendly and passionate kisses that express emotion. Sex that drives you wild at the thought of them. All the factors that make up feeling loved; Everything changes when you break up with somebody.

Even rejecting somebody can hurt and haunt you, looming around in your conscience ... I've experienced breaking a heart and the pain inevitably involved with it. Around the time I had that nightmare with Drew ensuing, two dudes had confronted me, and expressed that they had feelings for me. I had thought to myself, could their timing be worse? I was in the midst of Drew's bullshit, and it's not like I had a boost in popularity; I was "Molly", and still am. One guy was a friend, the other was an acquaintance. The friend stepped up to the plate first, and I had not yet mastered the craft of rejection. I feel as though I was Lucifer's spawn, and I had tore the man to shreds in this "subtle" crack at saying "No". I still feel beyond guilty, although he has moved on.

I had taken the acquaintance for his offer, although I broke it off but hours later ... Yikes, bad judgment. I've ignored him ever since, feeling incredibly guilty off a decision lacking intelligence. That's another reason why I couldn't reject the man who violated me; I couldn't bare being the "heartbreaker" yet again. But, I've learned a valuable lesson. I've acquired a lesson to lessen the pains of a relationship not meant to be ... I'm improving the rejection tactics that I need to avoid my inability to steer clear of a wreck. Rejecting somebody truly feels terrible, as if the first judgment and impression were enough to walk away from them completely like you're a shallow bitch, but sometimes you just know; No.

"Time After Time : Part Trois"

Well, I hope that you lovelies liked my dramatic, and random pause ... Stressful and upsetting. Anyhow, I'm here and I'm ready to get back to blogging. I've got new stuff that I'd enjoy sharing, but, I must first pick up where I had left off in February; Part Trois.

Drew wound up breaking up with his girlfriend. Still, he hadn't asked me out ... Furthering the confusion, and toying with my head and my heart. If he had, I honestly don't know what I would've said to him. 'Twas a nightmare.

After a year which seemed like a roller coaster of total havoc for my head and my heart, I was relieved for vacation. Unfortunately, I wasn't given a break. Within a week, I had luggage handy and a position at a camp that was waiting for me. Although I'll admit I had a blast there; I definitely needed new surroundings. Obviously, I hung with the "outcasts", while ignoring the everyday "populars". I couldn't escape my label, and the secret Cold War between outcasts and populars was still underway. I spent most off-hours with friends at this one dudes' place. Fun.

The cat actually ended up becoming my boyfriend ... Wasn't much of a relationship; A few kisses, and no dates, for some reason. I wasn't even into him, I was prepared to vanquish him into the friend zone. But after a rocky year that had emotionally crippled me, I had embraced whatever it was that we could share. Yup, I used him ... A vague crack at making myself feel better. In the end, I was worse; Beyond what I had believed was actually possible.

Before I had fully entered a dating disaster with him, he would frequently speak about his ex-girlfriend. She was a "close friend" who dated him somewhat regularly. Sadly, he had fallen for her ... And before the fellow could act on those feelings with a kiss, she came clean; Admitting she had dated him out of pity. Like I would do eventually, except I had pitied myself and not him. This guy has quite a horrible track record, and I had been cornered ... I could not say no; I couldn't break another heart, or allow myself to not 'cause Drew had kept me in contempt for so long.

I wound up dumping him. I got involved with a man I knew nothing about. Salt was poured into the wound I had ignored for so long, when he had violated me...

...I wasn't at all happy with his pace ... He was speeding, while I was held up at a "Stop". He overlapped me and I ended up in a place that I can never forget. Forcefully, he tried to take advantage of a damaged, already vulnerable and weakened me. I lost a piece of myself that day; The piece of myself which trusts a man when in a relationship. I'm healing and I have been for quite a bit, developing that sense of trust so that I can put myself out there once again. But, I won't push or rush at any degree. There's a whole gorgeous world that's out there, waiting for me to explore, and I think doing it solo for a while is just what't in my fate. A lesson learned, a lesson learned.

I was a total wreck for a while ... But I kinda like to think I helped the guy; I offered a consoling kiss in his time of need, I didn't reject a relationship, and I was a decent partner despite everything. Last I heard, he's got a new chick and he's head over heels. He wants her forever, and she him; I'm not bitter, and wish them everlasting happiness.

The relationship fucked me up ... 'Twas a disaster. Thankfully, I got out shy of the "victim" label; I contend with labels on a day to day basis, but I will never be ready to own that one. Still, I'm turned off to dating. And I haven't met another man I feel for what I had felt for Drew. Well, up until recently ... That's a story for later.

Speaking of Drew, it's all over. I've been ignored ever since, except for a few irrational name callings that I've learned to ignore. I gained pride; I still am ... He's not important.

Unfortunately, I'm forced seeing him everyday due to a mutual schedule. Sure I reminisce, but I've grown. The maturity of his buddy was at it's greatest when he said, "Great, "Awkward's" in this class Drew". Well then, Andy, I'm pleased to report to you I no longer give a fuck. Forward that memo to Drew. I've moved on and I've got my eyes set on something possible. The first non-dickhead I've been attracted to. And I call that progress.

"Time After Time : Part Deux"

Alrighty, Suburbians ... "Half-Done Molly" ( I'm aware you'll probably find all of this quite childish, but, I'm slowly but surely writing to a ending unexpected/unpredictable so bare with the story ). "Half-Done Molly" was obviously a childish nickname, which was given to me one seemingly ordinary day in Math Class. Mr. G, who had given me my favorite nickname I still carry ( Molly Dolly ), too gave the least favorite - Who would've figured a stupid nickname would wind up leaving my whole life in shambles?

I was struggling in Math at the time ... Especially with a particular formula that we were working on ( I don't remember it now to be honest, ha ). Regardless, I do remember how it had confused the fuck out of me, thus I put a series of bullshit responses on the homework and completely gave up halfway through it. While checking over the work with a fine-tooth comb in Class, I magically had a light bulb moment and understood everything, a bit late but whatever. You'd think I would be golden after that, right? Nah, of course not - Mr. G opted to teach a shortcut that's within the formula ( Really, though? ), and of course, I was back to the drawing board with not a damn clue what to do with what was in front of me.

Mr. G had us work on a sheet anticipating the usage of the new shortcut way, and once the predetermined allotted time to work had ended, he would select students to answer a problem. I had used the original formula because I was clueless with the new shortcut one and got only, you guessed right, halfway done with the sheet. When Mr. G chose me to answer a question I had not yet answered, I had to tell him I was only halfway finished ( Couldn't get outta that one ), and so kindly ( Yea, right ) he opted to call me "Half-Done Molly" which had sparked everything.

The Class loved the nickname, and repeatedly called me it ... Especially our buddy ( Ha ), Fuck-You-Drew. He wouldn't let it go. Eventually, Mr. G was able to calm down the class. However, that doesn't imply that they had stopped altogether. I, being the weakling I was way back when, began to cry. Nobody had noticed it though, I was crying from within at that point, and I'm far too experienced at hiding emotions. Then, Mr. G had called on me. Again.

Thankfully, I was prepared and provided the correct answer. Although I refused to let anyone see how I was severely hurting, while answering my voice cracked...

Everyone began staring at me - And, you would think they'd stop. While some did, others, *Cough* Drew *Cough*, unfortunately, didn't. He wouldn't stop. I couldn't hold the tears at that point. Finally, the bell rang, which signaled that Math Class was officially over ... I was out of there before anybody even stood up, you couldn't see my smoke. I dashed to English Class, immediately requesting I'd be excused to the bathroom. The teacher was quite concerned, considering I was near bawling, thus allowing me to go. I was able to calm myself and collect my thoughts, returning to English ten minutes or so into the period. Sadly, Drew was in that class, too. Ugh.

Nothing had happened, until the end. See, I was with my friends, who surprisingly made me smile. Everything was alright, until I heard, "Hey, Half-Done Molly!". I began bursting into tears. Thankfully the bell had rang, I was outty yet again, and I did not see Drew for the remainder of the day - But, I did have a run-in with the Guidance Counselor. He had found me while I was walking the halls to inform me he had spoke with G, who delivers his sincerest apologies, although he could not foresee a negative result. G later apologized in person. I forgave him.

The Guidance Counselor, too, spoke with Drew and his Merry Band of Complete Assholes. Ultimately, they were ordered to apologize and to cut the shit with Molly. But they're yet to apologize. Unfortunately, regardless the childishness, I crave an apology in order to locate closure within that portion of the problem. However, I think that ship sailed, so I've got not a choice but to eventually find another way ( Like Blogging it as I'm doing right now ). And, but a few months ago, Drew had the balls to call me "Half-Done Molly". All I did was glare while I reminisced. I was and still am proud of myself.

I had refused speaking to him after the initial incident for awhile. Eventually, I began speaking with him, and a friendship was evolving. Which, I'm positive you can predetermine, was quite a big mistake. I shouldn't have let him into my world once more, but I did. Everything was swell for quite a while. A lotta peeps expected us to go long-term at one point. Actually, a Social was approaching and I was hoping he would ask me. But shortly thereafter, something completely unexpected had happened.

He had got a girlfriend, which wasn't me ... This's where the vulnerability began, I felt undesirable. Therefore falling into the arms of the first man who opened them up to me. If I had considered allowing 'ole Fuck-You-Drew back into my life once more as a 'big mistake', boy was I in for a rude awakening...

"Time After Time : Part Une"

So, I've been slowly but surely telling you tidbits of my personal life...
...But, there comes a time where a gal needs to free herself from the shackles of her own inhibition. For the first time ever, I'm going to be completely honest and straightforward, while I pour my heart out as I speak of my most vulnerable moment and my greatest heartbreak of them all. Now, I will let everything out...
...In "When The Crusher Gets Crushed" I briefly spoke of this experience, but I was holding back. I'm here now to confide in my Suburbians, because for one, this blog's my safe place, and for two, I honestly want all of my beloved fans and readers to know of this time in my life. They say there's a fine line between love and hate, and I've experienced it firsthand...

Where all of this began was years ago - I attended a birthday party with a then great friend of mine. For an odd unknown reason, I wound up in her bedroom with three other dudes (The door was wide open, don't go near the gutter). Apparently I missed the piece of the invitation where making fun of my size was on the itinerary, and while in the room, they did such. Evidently, you can't be super skinny and short too. Another thing that was short was my temper, and I lashed out on the nearest guy. Now as I think back, he didn't ever fight back in any way. He took it, literally lying down. I finally stopped because his little sister came in and started crying ; I felt guilty ... Let's call this guy 'Drew'.
 

Sometime later during the party, Drew and the two other guys locked me in the same room that I had attacked Drew in, along with themselves. After realizing they wouldn't let me out until I heard them out, I figured it best to listen to all their apologies. I don't quite remember my reaction but I suspect it wasn't great, seeing how I began to hate Drew's existence.
 

We were placed in the same English class ... He kept talking to me and joking of my name since my last name starts with an 'M' as well. Apparently, it was also hysterical to shout in the hallway or during a game of not-so-mum-ball (A game that involves of course a ball and "quietness"). Through it all, I still hated his guts and the hate grew larger - It was the next year that everything changed ... And I do mean EVERYTHING.

We were placed in the same Math class with the same English immediately following it - Almost everything worth mentioning had happened in Math...
...We had a great teacher, who shall be called Mr. G. Mr. G had presented assigned seats ; I couldn't complain about mine. He's actually the one who started "Molly Dolly", the nickname that I've carried for years now ... But, that had sparked something that I'll get to later on in writing.

Per the chart, Drew was seated two rows away from me - But, for some reason, he wasn't happy with that. Drew was the ultimate opportunist at sitting closer to me. Few months into the year, the student in front of the individual next to me moved away, (Wow, confusing much?), so Drew ceased the opportunity to sit there as Mr. G didn't have any objections. With any chance he got, he relentlessly annoyed the hell out of me. As the days passed by, something had changed ... I caught a wave of completely different feelings for him ; The hatred had evolved into dare I even say it, love? The sudden emotions only intensified when the gal who sat next to me moved too, and he took her spot...
...The flirting had only increased, but I suppose that was completely alright at the time - I was an otherwise foolish girl with a major crush, but we've all been there. I was happy, until my love interest bit me right on the ass, and from shortly then on did the worst moment of my whole entire life occur, which to this very day, continuously haunts me...
...The reason for the Labyrinth surrounding my heart.

"Half-Done Molly" ... A seemingly childish name calling - But I grew so vulnerable, and wound up in the arms of a particular man who hurt me in a way I never thought possible ; Unimaginable vulnerability from childish teasing lead me down a path, which ended in personal violation, the closing of my heart and a massive lack of utter trust...

As you can already see, this's going to be a ridiculously long post ... So, depending on how much the second part tells, shall determine if there's need for part three. The Second Part's coming soon. Yes, I opted to end this with a cliffhanger - Until next time, my beloved Suburbians!

"Odd Girl Out"

I'm not sure if you're aware of this or not or if you've figured out that I'm a complete outcast ... Over the course of time, I've found this blog to be my comfort zone and a place where I'm accepted, outcast and all. I'm hoping my loyal readers have found comfort in this blog too, as it isn't only mine, but all of ours to discuss and explore without ridicule and judgment - I love all of you who have kept with me through all of the questions and the struggles that I've faced from the very beginning...

I have battled with being an outcast for as long as I can remember throughout my whole life ... I'm the girl that one looks to when there's nobody else around, somebody who they'll confide in, knowing that it's in my nature to listen but won't speak back. I'm a quiet gal who minds her business, and enjoys the simple things such as listening to tunes, reading and writing. I'm afraid to speak up, because the fear of saying something totally stupid intimidates me, keeping me quiet - Have you felt that way? I've been building walls around my heart for so long, it has become a Labyrinth, where for the longest time I've kept my innermost emotions hidden away and locked up for no one to see anything other than the smile that I somehow keep on my face. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever be able to fully open up to another person let alone a man, not until I've learned how to accept these scars and the events of the past, to eventually realize, that I have moved on.

The disadvantages of being an outcast are greater than one might think ... But, if you dig deep enough, you'll discover the valuable lessons inextricably linked to living with the label. You'll wind up being headstrong, considerate yet protective of yourself, thus more prepared for the challenges and obstacles of live than those who now laugh everything off and spit venom. All you outcasts out there, I need you to realize that "fitting in" is overrated. Although standing alone for the majority of time seems saddening and pathetic, you'll learn how to individualize and come into your own, truly finding yourself. You'll learn more, try harder at which you apply yourself to and if you can see the bright side of being an outcast, there's nothing you can't face...

"Virtuousness Of Innocence"

Here's a question for you ... Have your friends ever somehow decided for you you've spent too much time being single, that it's time to transition into a relationship with someone on their laundry list of individuals apparently "perfect" for you to date? Recently, mine have been doing this and won't seem to quit pestering me about my seemingly "awful" choice to lead a single life in this world as it stands. Outdoing the competition as far as this's concerned, is my great friend Ali...

 

Honestly, I'm not the least bit interested in seeing who she has picked out for me. The reasoning for this is simply because from what I have seen, her friends are complete assholes, and generally the crowd I run for the hills from and avoid at all costs (Mind you I remain single as I'm unready to put myself back up for grabs, due to accumulated past heartaches I still need time to recuperate from, and these individuals are the types out there solely to hurt you - They don't want a commitment, which provides me even less reason to go jeopardize my heart and time that could be spent healing, and developing a solid relationship with myself first which is the most important for everyone). She initiated all of her relentlessness because she believes I'm jealous of what she has with her boyfriend. Although I do want what she has at sometime in the future, I'm not ready right now and that's what she lacks to understand. Are you now beginning to see my problem?

 

Unfortunately she doesn't. She wants me to stop being so "innocent" and completely "closed off" ... Which isn't even the case and is what upsets me the most. I simply need time to sort things out, plus in my personal opinion, being single is great as it comes with fabulous perks of independence. If you're in my shoes at the moment, here's some advice - Don't cave into the pressure of it all, because if you're like me and you need to sort things out in your life before moving onward, time alone is most definitely your best friend. Living your life and fulfilling your needs comes before pleasing others and falling prey to their destructive criticism, if too much "innocence" is what you "have", then think of innocence as nothing other than a virtue.

"Complexion"

Forget the sun; the real center of the universe is beauty. I'm left here to question why this is. It seems that in this day and age, if you aren't Miss America, you can't find a guy who'll love you ... You'll rarely find a man eager to learn about the real you, the fabulous person that you are from within. Apparently, if you aren't the bombshell of the millennium, there simply can't be anything great about you to discover later on. First impressions are no longer about your intelligence, personality and wit, they are strictly about appearance and how you can model a pair of Daisy Dukes.

When exactly did men get together and decide that they won't settle for anything less than a giraffe with big huge breasts? However, I'm not trying to point these fingers at only the male population - We females do it too. Generally, we seek guys that have a big dick, expensive houses and also a top-earning job ... Discrimination is only a part of being human, ladies - I mean who would want a guy who has a small dick, lives in a shack and works at McDonalds? Obviously, we've all fallen victim to idealism and illusion. We all desire what we simply can't have or haven't been able to find yet ... Which leads me to wonder - Are the men and women of my generation going to ultimately settle for second and even third bests, or are they going to die looking for the prize?

We've all heard the saying "don't judge a book by it's cover" ... But, in the matters of relationships, who's going to take the time to read the book if the cover doesn't lure them into it? However, could you be possibly missing out on something that's great and valuable by not taking the time to explore it? I think it's pretty fair to say that "open-minded" = good; "close-minded" = bad - But, are we being too quick to judge judgement? Perhaps, judgement is not so much a snap decision, but more an early warning and detection device. If it is instantly clear that a person, place or even a profession isn't for you, is it better to ignore your better judgement reading between the lines ... Or, should you judge a book by its cover?

Things have changed so drastically over the course of time. It's all about greed and being set in your ways. Everyone you encounter is usually materialistic and superficial. It has become a sport to find someone who's caring and genuine in their approach. If you are not as pretty as the girl to your right, which one of you two is a man likely to hit on in the bar? The supermodel with a killer body and big blue eyes of course. Personality tends to mean squat - Especially when a perky pair of double d's is at your side. Which leads me to wonder ... When it comes to bags, men and suburbs, is it what's on the outside that counts?

If you're like me and have unfortunately fallen prey to being the "Odd Girl Out" in the matters of dating and relationships, ultimately having a great rack chosen over everything you have to offer to a man, don't feel bad. Add him to the list of dickheads and move on - When his big titty brigade does come to an end, and he's heartbroken when he comes to see that she's already married or has pulled some scummy move on him, that's retribution enough. Don't give up and don't shed a tear ... Prince Charming on the white horse is caught up at a detour, but he's coming.