"Time & Punishment..."

Recently, my ex-boyfriend has somehow found his way into my present life. And, since he's befriending my friends, I have been trying to forgive him. Have you ever decided to forgive someone, but then every time you see him/her or you even hear their name you flashback to the reason(s) why (s)he lost your forgiveness in the first place?

No matter how hard I try, I cannot forget the reasons why I hated him in the first place. It's as if their's a little voice in my head saying, "He's no good for you, he doesn't deserve your forgiveness." But with all the drama, with him never really leaving me alone, I am starting to find conflict within my friendships. It's not much, more like the signs that this may become a problem, and I need to get everything straitened out, and the easiest way to do that is to forgive him. But can you really forgive someone, and I mean fully forgive someone, if you can't forget why they lost your forgiveness? For example, if your partner cheated on you, but you've tried to forgive him/her, would you really trust they will never hurt you again, or would you be cautious? Most people would say they would be cautious. And you would be cautious and never fully forgive said person because you can't forget why they lost your forgiveness. Do you understand the problem?

I don't think you can ever fully forgive someone, because you will never fully forget. You could meet this person again twenty years later and still feel the tension between you two. And it's not your fault. It's your subconsious trying to help you avoid getting hurt again. I myself am not sure if an when I will forgive my ex, but I know it will have to be long after I've forgotten our whole relationship, even though he was my first official boyfriend, my first kiss, and the reason I can only trust one guy, who isn't even related to me. Can you forgive someone if you can't forget? The answer is no, not fully.

"Romance Is Haunting..."

No matter how hard one tries, could one ever escape their spirits of relationships past? Or, are they forever haunted by the ghost? I've only ever been in one relationship, and that relationship has scarred me. And I have recently found out he still likes me. Yep, my life is fucked up. My past always somehow finds a way into my future. And romance is no exception. It happens to everyone, whether they like it or not. My ex even has Felmo, one of my best friends choosing him over me. He's even texting another one of my friends, and she is using my phone, so he thinks I still like him. In his dreams and my nightmares. I don't know how, but my only ex has found a way back into my life. And he won't be leaving anytime soon.

So, what do should you do when your ex relationships start to haunt you? I'm trying to get my friends to realize something. I don't care if they still talk to my ex... much. But I want them to realize how bitchy it is to pick him over me. Or to plan to do drugs with him and invite me over (which is exactly what the girl who texts him using my phone is doing). I don't pick their ex's over them. I understand if they were friends with my ex before I dated him, but they weren't.

The only person I can actually trust to not betray me, or make fun of me because of my ex, is my only guy friend, and the only exception to my trust issues, Halsey. He pretty much hates my ex, which is what I've always wanted Felmo to do. The point of my ranting is, our ex's will find a way back into our lives, whether it's months later or years later. They may even befriend our friends and have them choose our ex over us. What you have to do is explain to your friends that it is so not okay to betray you like that and make them understand what they did. And, explain to your ex that you really don't want to stay friends. That you want to start of a new relationship without your old one haunting you. What would you do if you were romantically haunted?

"The Girl Code?"

I got to thinking about friendship. More specifically, one of my two best friends and future roommate, Felmo. Those who read the blog 'Sex and the Small Town' might know her as Fello. Are girls supposed to follow a 'girl code'? Or do we make our own code? Either way, Felmo definitely broke a rule.

A few weeks ago, something happened. The only reason I am only writing about this now is because I needed a period of time to think about what happened. A few weeks ago, during a typical ooVoo chat with Felmo, I was excited about an upcoming dance, but I was nervous of making a fool of myself. Instead of being a good friend and convincing me I was going to be fine, Felmo decided to hang up on me. When I tried call her back she had logged off and wouldn't talk to me. Later that night she called me back from her iPod and she, Halsey and I had a somewhat normal conversation. Until the topic of why she hung up on me came up. There I was, unprepared, when she showed me who she was skyping. Of all people, my ex-boyfriend. One of the biggest reasons I now have commitment issues, and issues with men all together. And she had chosen him over me, even hanging up on me just to talk to him.

Halsey and I were horrified. Our best friend, one of the two people I could trust with anything, had chosen the man who damaged me emotionally, whom I had dumped with hope of never seeing again, over me. And when I tried to talk to her again, she wouldn't listen and focused on him instead. I soon left the call without a word, and like the good friend he is, Halsey, my best guy friend and future roommate, did too. We chatted for a while, but I couldn't speak much longer. He, thankfully, understood and let me leave.

When I was finally alone, I don't even know what I was feeling. I wasn't angry, or sad, or confused. I believe I was stunned. I couldn't believe the girl who I thought I could trust with anything betrayed me like that. I haven't talked to anyone about the incident after that day. Not Felmo, not Halsey, not anyone. But I want to.

The point of all this is, is there even a girl code, or for guys, a guy code? And is there a general code, or should we make our own? Should we even live by a code? I think yes. We should make up a list of rules with our friends. I am going to with Nikki and Felmo, and soon. Everyone should have a lit of rules to avoid fights or betrayal. Make up a set of rules with your friends. Do you really want to risk anyone getting hurt?