I get it, I’m young and I still have my life ahead of me. But I truly think there is something wrong with my romantic life. I’ve never been in love. I’ve never had a legitimate boyfriend. But my biggest issue, my biggest insecurity, the thing that makes me truly think I am destined to be alone, is that no one has ever loved me.
Sure, I have my family, and I have my friends, who I truly love. My friends will hear me say I’ve never been loved and say “But I love you! Isn’t that enough?” And honestly, no. It’s a completely different type of love. I want that all-consuming, burning but still steady love. The kind you can trust, the kind you can depend on, the kind that is so much stronger than friendship because it’s friendship and romance all in one. I want love.
“But you’re so lucky. You’ve never dealt with heartbreak, I wish I had never dated.” No, you don’t. I’m not lucky. I still get all the heartbreak, because I try. I try so hard. I’ve fallen for people, who decide I’m not worth the try and end things. I may not get heartbreak after long-term love, but I still get heartbreak, caused by not being worth it. I get the added bonus of doubting I can actually find love.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve learned people were interested in me. I’ve been told it’s my fault for not going for my stalker or even a nicer guy that’s into me. But I shouldn’t be expected to settle for any person who wants me. I should be allowed to fall in love with someone. That also is NOT how demisexuality works.
I’ve been told that the guys I want just realize “I deserve more” and end things so I can find someone “better”. I’ve even been told that by a guy that had mutual interest, who stopped trying and ended up dating someone a few months later. I think that’s a bullshit excuse. People tell me this to make me feel better, to say I’m better than every single guy I’ve wanted (which I don’t agree with, how narcissistic is that?) I don’t think it means I’m too good for anyone, I think it means I’m not good enough to try for. I’m not good enough to work with, to love, because everyone just gives up. People giving up on me without ever trying isn’t a complement. It’s heartbreaking and exhausting. I’ve yet to find someone willing to try with me. I don’t want to be worked for, I want someone who will work with me, someone I can build something with.
So that’s my story, I have yet to find someone that loves me back. I’m starting to doubt that I will. Maybe that’s my recent heartbreak talking, but I’ve thought it for years. I’ve been made fun of by close friends for it. I’ve hid it from people to not seem like something’s wrong with me. I get that I’m young, but I know no one in the same situation as me. Everyone has been loved, in some way, and it’s hard as the years go by and my heart breaks more, to keep myself from thinking there’s something wrong with me. Maybe I can look back on this years from now, married and loved. Maybe I’ll look back on it after having the kids I decided to have on my own and I’ve stopped hurting. Maybe the universe just didn’t create me to be loved, and I just have other things in my future. Maybe I’m just impatient. I can’t tell the future. But I wish I could get some sign that I’ll find love. I wish I was a hopeful romantic. I wish I wish I wish.
