"A Dream Maker, Love Taker..."

Having your heart broken blows ... Especially under the circumstance where you had cared so tremendously about somebody, and where in most cases, you still do post-relationship. I'm fully aware; Every gal who has had to walk solo against her own wishes knows the feeling. But, breaking a heart yourself can actually hurt just as much, if not more. When somebody says, "It's as painful for me as it is for you.", they might be doing more than trying to lessen the blow ladies ... There's a great possibility they're telling the truth. Regardless and whatever the reason, if they're initiating a split up between yous, they're too losing the benefits of the relationship; The consoling hugs that show in your arms and your warmth that you're always there. The friendly and passionate kisses that express emotion. Sex that drives you wild at the thought of them. All the factors that make up feeling loved; Everything changes when you break up with somebody.

Even rejecting somebody can hurt and haunt you, looming around in your conscience ... I've experienced breaking a heart and the pain inevitably involved with it. Around the time I had that nightmare with Drew ensuing, two dudes had confronted me, and expressed that they had feelings for me. I had thought to myself, could their timing be worse? I was in the midst of Drew's bullshit, and it's not like I had a boost in popularity; I was "Molly", and still am. One guy was a friend, the other was an acquaintance. The friend stepped up to the plate first, and I had not yet mastered the craft of rejection. I feel as though I was Lucifer's spawn, and I had tore the man to shreds in this "subtle" crack at saying "No". I still feel beyond guilty, although he has moved on.

I had taken the acquaintance for his offer, although I broke it off but hours later ... Yikes, bad judgment. I've ignored him ever since, feeling incredibly guilty off a decision lacking intelligence. That's another reason why I couldn't reject the man who violated me; I couldn't bare being the "heartbreaker" yet again. But, I've learned a valuable lesson. I've acquired a lesson to lessen the pains of a relationship not meant to be ... I'm improving the rejection tactics that I need to avoid my inability to steer clear of a wreck. Rejecting somebody truly feels terrible, as if the first judgment and impression were enough to walk away from them completely like you're a shallow bitch, but sometimes you just know; No.

"Time After Time : Part Trois"

Well, I hope that you lovelies liked my dramatic, and random pause ... Stressful and upsetting. Anyhow, I'm here and I'm ready to get back to blogging. I've got new stuff that I'd enjoy sharing, but, I must first pick up where I had left off in February; Part Trois.

Drew wound up breaking up with his girlfriend. Still, he hadn't asked me out ... Furthering the confusion, and toying with my head and my heart. If he had, I honestly don't know what I would've said to him. 'Twas a nightmare.

After a year which seemed like a roller coaster of total havoc for my head and my heart, I was relieved for vacation. Unfortunately, I wasn't given a break. Within a week, I had luggage handy and a position at a camp that was waiting for me. Although I'll admit I had a blast there; I definitely needed new surroundings. Obviously, I hung with the "outcasts", while ignoring the everyday "populars". I couldn't escape my label, and the secret Cold War between outcasts and populars was still underway. I spent most off-hours with friends at this one dudes' place. Fun.

The cat actually ended up becoming my boyfriend ... Wasn't much of a relationship; A few kisses, and no dates, for some reason. I wasn't even into him, I was prepared to vanquish him into the friend zone. But after a rocky year that had emotionally crippled me, I had embraced whatever it was that we could share. Yup, I used him ... A vague crack at making myself feel better. In the end, I was worse; Beyond what I had believed was actually possible.

Before I had fully entered a dating disaster with him, he would frequently speak about his ex-girlfriend. She was a "close friend" who dated him somewhat regularly. Sadly, he had fallen for her ... And before the fellow could act on those feelings with a kiss, she came clean; Admitting she had dated him out of pity. Like I would do eventually, except I had pitied myself and not him. This guy has quite a horrible track record, and I had been cornered ... I could not say no; I couldn't break another heart, or allow myself to not 'cause Drew had kept me in contempt for so long.

I wound up dumping him. I got involved with a man I knew nothing about. Salt was poured into the wound I had ignored for so long, when he had violated me...

...I wasn't at all happy with his pace ... He was speeding, while I was held up at a "Stop". He overlapped me and I ended up in a place that I can never forget. Forcefully, he tried to take advantage of a damaged, already vulnerable and weakened me. I lost a piece of myself that day; The piece of myself which trusts a man when in a relationship. I'm healing and I have been for quite a bit, developing that sense of trust so that I can put myself out there once again. But, I won't push or rush at any degree. There's a whole gorgeous world that's out there, waiting for me to explore, and I think doing it solo for a while is just what't in my fate. A lesson learned, a lesson learned.

I was a total wreck for a while ... But I kinda like to think I helped the guy; I offered a consoling kiss in his time of need, I didn't reject a relationship, and I was a decent partner despite everything. Last I heard, he's got a new chick and he's head over heels. He wants her forever, and she him; I'm not bitter, and wish them everlasting happiness.

The relationship fucked me up ... 'Twas a disaster. Thankfully, I got out shy of the "victim" label; I contend with labels on a day to day basis, but I will never be ready to own that one. Still, I'm turned off to dating. And I haven't met another man I feel for what I had felt for Drew. Well, up until recently ... That's a story for later.

Speaking of Drew, it's all over. I've been ignored ever since, except for a few irrational name callings that I've learned to ignore. I gained pride; I still am ... He's not important.

Unfortunately, I'm forced seeing him everyday due to a mutual schedule. Sure I reminisce, but I've grown. The maturity of his buddy was at it's greatest when he said, "Great, "Awkward's" in this class Drew". Well then, Andy, I'm pleased to report to you I no longer give a fuck. Forward that memo to Drew. I've moved on and I've got my eyes set on something possible. The first non-dickhead I've been attracted to. And I call that progress.