Never Been Loved

I get it, I’m young and I still have my life ahead of me. But I truly think there is something wrong with my romantic life. I’ve never been in love. I’ve never had a legitimate boyfriend. But my biggest issue, my biggest insecurity, the thing that makes me truly think I am destined to be alone, is that no one has ever loved me.

Sure, I have my family, and I have my friends, who I truly love. My friends will hear me say I’ve never been loved and say “But I love you! Isn’t that enough?” And honestly, no. It’s a completely different type of love. I want that all-consuming, burning but still steady love. The kind you can trust, the kind you can depend on, the kind that is so much stronger than friendship because it’s friendship and romance all in one. I want love.

“But you’re so lucky. You’ve never dealt with heartbreak, I wish I had never dated.” No, you don’t. I’m not lucky. I still get all the heartbreak, because I try. I try so hard. I’ve fallen for people, who decide I’m not worth the try and end things. I may not get heartbreak after long-term love, but I still get heartbreak, caused by not being worth it. I get the added bonus of doubting I can actually find love.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve learned people were interested in me. I’ve been told it’s my fault for not going for my stalker or even a nicer guy that’s into me. But I shouldn’t be expected to settle for any person who wants me. I should be allowed to fall in love with someone. That also is NOT how demisexuality works.

I’ve been told that the guys I want just realize “I deserve more” and end things so I can find someone “better”. I’ve even been told that by a guy that had mutual interest, who stopped trying and ended up dating someone a few months later. I think that’s a bullshit excuse. People tell me this to make me feel better, to say I’m better than every single guy I’ve wanted (which I don’t agree with, how narcissistic is that?) I don’t think it means I’m too good for anyone, I think it means I’m not good enough to try for. I’m not good enough to work with, to love, because everyone just gives up. People giving up on me without ever trying isn’t a complement. It’s heartbreaking and exhausting. I’ve yet to find someone willing to try with me. I don’t want to be worked for, I want someone who will work with me, someone I can build something with.

So that’s my story, I have yet to find someone that loves me back. I’m starting to doubt that I will. Maybe that’s my recent heartbreak talking, but I’ve thought it for years. I’ve been made fun of by close friends for it. I’ve hid it from people to not seem like something’s wrong with me. I get that I’m young, but I know no one in the same situation as me. Everyone has been loved, in some way, and it’s hard as the years go by and my heart breaks more, to keep myself from thinking there’s something wrong with me. Maybe I can look back on this years from now, married and loved. Maybe I’ll look back on it after having the kids I decided to have on my own and I’ve stopped hurting. Maybe the universe just didn’t create me to be loved, and I just have other things in my future. Maybe I’m just impatient. I can’t tell the future. But I wish I could get some sign that I’ll find love. I wish I was a hopeful romantic. I wish I wish I wish.

Make Them Wait (or Don't)

Let’s start at the beginning. There are countless possibilities for the beginning, but I’m going to choose explaining to you my mindset in my freshman and sophomore years of college. I lost my virginity in my freshman year, and I, in my mind, hoed it up for two years. Not because I wanted to, but because I thought that was what I was supposed to do.

I waited until I was 18, and I always took my status as a badge of shame. That I wasn’t enough to find a nice boyfriend, and I slept with the first person I was barely comfortable enough with. I took a couple shots and I just went for it, because I knew he wanted me and that was enough apparently. It was not fun, at all, but I was happy to be done with it, to lose that status I was so ashamed of. I slept with two other people that weekend, because I wanted to celebrate, and I thought I just needed to do it again to enjoy, that it never feels good the first time. Still didn’t work.

I calmed down a bit after that first weekend, but I had one rule. I didn’t sleep with someone more than once. To date, only three people have broken that rule, but I no longer have it. There’s no point, I don’t like one night stands.

During those two years of hoeing it up, I slept with nine people. To some that’s a lot, to some that’s nothing, but I’m comfortable as I am. It was a learning experience if nothing else. 

The ninth guy was actually the only one I had a decent friendship with. He was friends with my roommate, and best friend of my roommate’s boyfriend. I would sleep with him so she could sleep with her boyfriend. He was the nicest, and actually cared how I felt. He didn’t have much competition though, I only slept with frat guys who had little care for me. He would have dated me if I gave him the chance. I didn’t reciprocate, and that was enough to finally knock me out of my unhealthy mindset. 

After that, I took a two-year break. Honestly, two years of abstinence. None of it was on purpose, though there were people I easily could have slept with. I literally just did not want to. I hated what I had been doing and I knew it wasn’t healthy for my own personal health, even though I was being safe physically. I think you should sleep with as many people you want (consenting of course). But I wasn’t. I was forcing myself to do more. And that wasn’t fair to myself.

I thought I was broken for not wanting anyone, and I thought I could trick myself into it. But I couldn’t. I now know why, and it’s not something I’m ashamed of. If I could go back, maybe I would change how I acted, who I slept with, all of it. But I can’t, so my only real option is to change how I do things, how I treat myself. I no longer sleep with people for the hell of it, it’s only when I actually want to. It causes more heartbreak, because it means more to me now than before. But it’s worth it. I’m not sure of my future, but I’m never going back. 

I'm Back

Hey guys,
Well, it's been almost six years since I last posted on this blog. There's no real reason why I stopped, it just no longer felt like me. I felt like I had little more to offer you all. I was a 16 year old girl with no experience, though I don't regret what I produced. But now I have things to say and this is where I'll tell my stories.

A lot has happened since I've been gone. I did a little growing up. I attended and graduated from undergrad in three and a half years. I'm currently attending law school. I have a successful future I'm climbing towards.

So why am I back? Honestly, heartbreak. Recent heartbreak has me reevaluating my life, my goals, my hopes. It hasn't been an easy six years with my love life. There's been many guys who have come and gone, and no one has stayed for long. There's been hurt in my life that I need to talk about. And instead of therapy, I'm here. My insurance sucks.

So yeah, I'm back. And completely me. I'm no longer going to hide behind Miranda, which I did because I wasn't sure about my own personality and how I wanted to present myself. I haven't spoken to the other bloggers that I was associated with in awhile, though they will always have a special place in my heart. I'm so thankful to them, especially Sex in a Small Town, for giving me the idea for this blog and a place to run back to.

I've missed you all. It's good to be back.

- Molly

"One Day..."

A few weeks ago, I had a revelation per a fabulous experience ... Somebody, A.K.A quite a great pal, had confronted and informed myself he's gay. He appeared incredibly relieved about how I acknowledged the information, being completely compassionate, supportive and understanding. The sex somebodies attracted to shouldn't compromise and jeopardize their reputation, nor taint their reflection. He's definitely not ashamed which I'm happy about, 'cause there's not one rationalization for him and any other being humiliated. That's terrible, and completely unacceptable...
...I'm quite complimented, seein' how I'm one of the first who's officially informed (His homosexuality isn't closeted, but he's not flamboyant).

He's assembling a L.G.B.T.Q.I.A (Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Transexual, Questioning, Intersex and Asexual) group, which I too was informed about, and I promised I'd enter ... Here's where the revelation begun: I said, "It's fabulous our school's allowing the Equality Group!" His reply: "Yeah. However, the Group honestly shouldn't be the priority that it's become." Goodness gracious...

He's absolutely right! Our world would definitely be a worthier place, provided clubs preserving and safeguarding our freedoms weren't vital. Not 'cause non-heterosexuality didn't exist, but 'cause non-heterosexuality was universally accepted.

Suburbians, I'm Bi-Sexual ... Although I'm drawn towards dudes, I don't doubt the possibility I could marry a woman. Who, not what, you are is what's meaningful!

I'm Bi-Sexual. Who cares? He's gay. Who cares? Those characteristics shouldn't cause any difference in perspective. One day...

"Gone With The Wind"

The world's constantly changing ... Men are changing, women are changing. Their personalities and their views shift all the while the world spins. Anything can spark personal change. A fresh job, a new relationship, even traveling *Wink Wink*.

I'm changing ... Recently, I traveled Europe, which was a fascinating and wondrous experience as you are all aware. Visiting overseas, witnessing a completely different world, inspired the changing. I found confidence, I developed a great relationship with the fiery bitch I've closeted inside all these years, and I absolutely love it.

I've definitively been evolving for about two years ... When I met Halsey (Sex And The Small Town), whose now a lovely confidant, and I had begun blogging (I expected nothing BTW, Thank you all, I love you) which I've invested a whole 'lotta heart and pride into, I realized I was starting to open up.

I've began a fresh Semester ... And I'm now seein' everyone in the light of a new and improved Dolly. Now, I'm positive there are those who won't see the changing, but I will. I'll see how I'm handling everything, while I see and understand the new Spirit I've possessed. I'm fabulous and I'm happy. I'm brand-spanking new, I'm hopeful, and I'm fully prepared for the seasons of my life.

There are those out there who fear the inevitability of changing ... If that's you, I'd appreciate you rethinking those fears out ladies. You too, gents (I haven't forgotten about you). Sometimes changing's delayable but it'll never be preventable altogether. It's like the lil' birdy leaving the nest. It's nature ... Go with nature! 

"Deja Vu"

Recently, I've realized something ... My past has finagled itself into my present.
In the past, I had liked a man where the feelings weren't mutual. Thus, I got involved in the first relationship I could. Everything moved too quick there, and I've got scars I still carry today. With that, I had missed out on a possible relationship with a man I actually could've saw myself being with. Time had cast a spell, so I think that we weren't meant for the other.

I debated seein' a guy who had feelings for me, but I didn't for him.
After debating for a bit, I had refused. I wasn't going there again. Also, I've caught feelings for a different guy who has a girlfriend right now, but I'm hopin' for a shot with him sometime in the future. Given I'm reliving the past, it's not a bad thing! Eventually, I'm going to get an opportunity to be with an incredible man. Maybe, it'll be somebody new, maybe the guy I dig. Nevertheless, I'll be happy. He'll be worth everything I've faced and everything I've fought.

When Histories repeating itself, don't make those mistakes again ... You're given a shot to make a difference, do the thing you wish you could've done the first time around. When your past is present, don't freak out. Presents become pasts, bringing about futures with fresh and new opportunities.

"The Foreigner"

Hiya Suburbians, Let's delve!

I remember being a lil' girl who dreamt of exploring the world ... The lil' girl still lives on within the woman I am today. Recently, I traveled Europe. I saw England, Northern Ireland, Republic of Ireland, Scotland and Wales. Thank you to a friendly Student Travel Program in July I learned and witnessed History and Politics which was fabulous. But above all, I discovered something I had not expected to. I learned about myself.

The whole experience was indescribable ... An eye-opener definitely. I observed the people I was around, I observed their cultures and way about themselves. Enchanting, somewhat strange.

Now girls, I'm displeased to report I did not have a fling with a hot foreign guy ... Honestly, a 'lotta folks had struck me as a bit odd, but that's expected I guess. Given how I acted, the way I spoke, I was obviously an American. I felt I was being judged for that, but I'm aware quite a few of them aren't our biggest fans. Once suspected judgements settled in, I realized something I feel foolish for not realizing sooner, I was a foreigner. I was a foreigner there.

See, I was on their turf, visiting their homeland. I was something a 'lotta people had only seen on their TV's. A few actually had requested takin' pictures with me, a reallife American. I was exotic, new and unfamiliar to them...
...Some were nice, and some weren't. Thankfully, I was surrounded by friends, and we helped each other avoid any possible trouble.

I'm incredibly thankful I was apart of this Travel Program ... I discovered, I learned, and I witnessed a lot. I had a blast, I was safe, I was a gal with the prerogative to have a lil' fun. When you're given an opportunity, I definitely recommend you travel. It's enlightening, it's fun and it's mysterious. Definite horizon expander.

Lovelies! I'm back, and I'm better than ever. It's a big big world, stay fabulous for it!

"The Foreigner : Prelude"

Hey, Suburbians! I'm sorry I haven't wrote. I should've mentioned this a whole lot earlier ... I'm on a Worldly Adventure. Truly opens the eyes for a gal who, The Suburbs, is all that she knows. I'll share all the details, once I'm situated back home. There's a whole lot, learning the lives of other sides is incredibly enriching in all new walks and ways. It's practically magic, and I'm blessed given the opportunity to explore in a magnificent fashion. There lies only the Prelude of what is to come.

Not soon enough, Suburbians!